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1. sitting in the morning at the table.
2. walking to the table at recess.
3. 5th period.
4. lunch.
5. afterschool.
6. matts house.


those are how many times i saw HER today. those are all the times i could have done it.
those are all the times i should have done it.
pathetic.
thats all that i can say that describes me. my 156.
i want her.
i cant have her.
i will never know.
am i emo.
i dont think so.
but i wouldnt really know.
i think im just scared.
scared of her answer.
scared of the situation.
scared to leave my comfort zone.
scared to be with her.

no.

why would i be scared of that, there is no logical reasoning for that.

then why be scared?

why be scared. why be scared. why be scared.
scared to fall in love
scared to be hurt
scared to get my hopes up to watch them fall
scared to...

no school today.

supposedly to be one o f the best days for a while.
i find this highly unlikely. finding that ill be stuck inside on such a beatiful day
working on a website. i think if i were to get a job, i would detest
one that would force me to diminish any human contact.
i want to go out into the world and take photos.
photos of the world around me
the smallest thing could spark the biggest feeling.
i want to take a photo that affects all the senses.
one that brings back memories of childhood.
ill try to be happy today and just look out my window.

...


oh fuck you too.
im tired of always being second.

easily manipulated and easily hurt

exactly, and i just dont know what to do

dont let them step all over you stop overthinking and just make a move

easier said than done, the only way i can do something is if i really have to

then doesnt that show how much you dont really deserve it.

quite possibly but what could that matter. itslike this thing i read, girls are like apples or something and the best ones are at the top, but the boys are to scared to climb to the top of the tree so they get the ones at the bottom who are easy while the ones at the top wait and think there is something wrong with them. and they have to wait for the boy who was brave enough to climb to the top.

i dont follow.

i climbed to the top on more than one occasion. and each time i fell. even though it didnt feel like it each fall dug deeper and deeper. so i made my own one. the boys climb to the top of the tree where they think all the great apples(girls) should be, and all they get is pain. they fall out or there are worms in there apples or they are rotten from the sun on them all the time. and the guys that fell down wonder why the apples at the top arent good and think there is something wrong with them.

so you think something is wrong with you?

idk maybe im just depressed. ive been depressed lately. its quite annoying.

so why dont you do something about it.

so many times ive tried and nothing ever works out. its like the world is out to get me and i cant do anything. ill just sit around and watch my life pass by. ive done enough with my life.

so what youre just going to give up. just like that. what about all the dreams you had and the places you wanted to see.

thats why they invented tv. for failures like me. to subside their anguish on this hell hole we call earth. while the stylish good looking people make us hate every part of what we are. so we dedicate ourselves to getting money and being like them. and when you get there, what....

idk.

well when you get there you realized you want to be like someone else. there is no way you are ever happy. there is no dream job. you cant do anything for the rest of your life and be happy about it. at some point you will realize how pointless it is.
i used to watch anime nad i would watch and then on a certain episode somewhere halfway through the series youd realize there is no point to it. they are never going to kill the demon, they are never going to be happy, they are never really going to find peace. and thats the way the world works, and the faster you can grasp that the better off in life youll be.

this could be an addiction...


thinking again. oh gosh how i hate it.
well i was reading some old messages on my myspace.
and all these emotions and feelings just came out.
i never knew simple words could affect so much
or it could be my lack of any other type of stimulation.
i tried to ask her out friday, but my confidence slowly disappated and turned to fear.
quite simply put, im the guy you come to when youve got a problem that needs solving
but when it comes to myself, im sorely in need of better advice.
i noticed that while i can bassically help someone get through what they are going through
i cannot help myself not even in the slightest bit.
i wish i knew me, so i could get advice from me.
or if there was someone more smarter than the
peers i surround myself with.
something tells me that living life this way is somewhat sad...
but sadly the way it will always be.

i will always be the guy who likes the girl who like the other guy
i will always help said girl get guy
i will be the guy who is happy for girl on the outside, while inside wishes he could just die
i will always be the loser
i will always be a sucker
i will always be picked on
i will always try to please everyone
i will always give in
i will always be the mediator
i will always try to help
i will always be depressed
i will always listen to the songs that only help to stir my sadness
i will always say the words but never act upon them
i will always say the wrong things
i will always hate who i am and the thought of who i am to be
i will always be there when she needs me
i will always give her hope for a better tomorrow
while i slowly die inside knowing that...
i will always be alone, but even after all of these
i will always be happy because i am content

today i woke up and i took a look around
i realized being a kid was almost up and that real life would kick in,
neglecting that fact that this is real life.
and i thought about how the future would be.

would i still hang with the same friends...
would i be here in hawaii or some other place...
would i be happy there, and if so why...
would i have new friends...

and these thoughts kept flying through my head.
and then i realized...

the more i sat around thinking of things to come the more of the
precious time i was wasting.
you only live once according to some people
and id really like to make the most of the time ive got to be a stupid, irrational, fuck up.

or quite simply put
a kid.

this thinking ultimately led me to a subject most thoughts lead me to. girls.

oh you foolish boy, you have far better things to think about.

that i do, but most things come back to this point, so why not just go witht the flow.
well last night turned out to be not only a very boring night, but a slightly dpressing one.
the night started out shitty when i called a friend, a girl, and she bassically pours her emotional baggage on me. in these situations im pretty alright, i can help out from time to time when i really feel like it. so she tells me her crap and she bassically asks me to decide who she should date. should i mention this is a girl i liked for a bit or did you already guess that. i think that singular point in time is when my night turned to shit. so she says shell call me back

bullshit

yes youre right, she never calls back. its like some kind of deformity in her brain, but it doesnt matter to me cause i didnt really want to converse with her anymore.
so i decide to take a walk through our beloved towncenter, home to drug dealers, perverts, and all around wierd people. i see a few faces i know so i stop to say hello on my journey through towncenter. then atomic missle number 2 is dropped. i make the mistake of asking who a particualr friend is doing, she tells me shes with a girl i aksed out, and bassically stood me up.
now i think you get the gist of what kind of night this has turned into. i should mention that after she stood me up, not a word was spoken between us, nice yeah. wellthat severely severed any ties with trying to bring this night to a turnaround. so ia make a hasty retreat to my car to "get the hell outta there". i decided to stop for a while, in which i saw her again, which again dramatically lessens any chances of me enjoying the night. so i decided to meet up with the gang. at a pool hall. i dont want to go into details about that but i smelled like smoke all night.

oh and a side note, i hate it when people ask you whats wrong and then walk away.
so when anyone asks me now i just say"nothing" or " im just tired". cause i know they really dont care.

so then were at a friends house and im stuck in the house with 3 girls. id like to say this now, but girls can be quite mean. we are sitting and someone decides to bring up the girl from the beginning. and then each of the three girls take a turn at why they dont like her. and this goes on for what, about 10 minutes. then one of the girls decides to ask," dont you like her". i decide not to answer. then another girl decides to answer for me. "he does, but she doesnt like him back" and now im pretty sure you can see bone in the cuts they are making. i decide to tell them i dont like her anymore, which i should state is true. then they decide to change the subject again, this time about another girl, but this one is their friend. they start the change by asking me [do you still like_______]. again i dont not grace them with an answer, knowing well enough they know the answer, and that they will probably tell her i still like her. then they decide to say who she likes, and about her saying shes"making progress". i should also state the guy is a friend of mine. so having to lay witness to this is not only emotionally disturbing, but also mentally irritating. 2 of the girls left on a bike adventure and me and the other girl just played with our cameras.

id say at the end of the night before i went to sleep, i was in the negatives in an emotional perspective and mental one.
i hate life.

i got this feelin'.


i made a bet with a girl... a girl i really started to have feelings for.
i wish i could rip all of them out and remember nothing.
id like to take an embryonic journey to the core of my soul
and take everything i know and throw it to the wind.
to scatter my knowledge across this foul desolate earth.
and maybe someone will stumble upon my memories of past and present...
my words, my life, my story
open thine mouth o foul beast and swallow mine
body whole, and leaveth no trace...
no worry
sorrow
or pain

i wish my life, my whole life, was recorded on tape...
i would watch every second...
i would be amazed...

then notice the flaws...
in my life, in the world, in being.

and i will breathe easy...
knowing that nothing will be alright

that it will be as it always was
and i will be...

content

sometimes i like to look at pictures and things around me, and just think.
i think.
i think alot now.
i think about life and how everything supposedly has some kind of purpose.
maybe there is a purpose for my everlonging search for compainionship.
ive concluded many times over that there is no logical reason to have a gf...

and yet i find myself here again.

ill look at the sky and think about how big the world is
about how small we all are
and just stare... stare blankly... stare compasionatly
and for an instant
an inkling of time

i am truly happy.

with what, i have no idea... but it feels good to be happy.

im back on blogspot again.
i was trying to find my old one but i forgot everything for it.
funny though, i always seem to forget things like that. i ussually brush it off.
but i guess if you do that youll never remember to do anything, which is probably a bad thing, yes.

i assume so.

i got my braces off today. although now i wish i had worn my ruberbands and all that jazz,
but i guess its ok. im fine with it.

if youre always fine with it youll never really be happy. youll only settle.

i guess thats what i do on a daily basis.
i settle.
i settle for doing mediocre work knowing i can do better
i settle for being made fun of and not doing anything about it
i settle and let people walk over me.

then why not do something?

i wouldnt know where to begin.
well there is this girl
i wanted to ask her out on a date but idk whenever i decide i am gonna do it
i always chicken out.

then you havent really decided have you?

well i guess not. but its just so hard. i get super nervous around her or any girl for that fact.
i always thought it would be something easier to do. not something so difficult.
like you would be able to do it, like eating or breathing, its like second nature.
but i guess that isnt true, for some it is.
id be envious of them, but it never looks like they are happy.

so what do you want then?

i want someone that is there. like someone that is yours. not like ownership but of their own volition. you are theirs and they are yours. a friendship that lets you be totally honest. one were you share your pain and happiness together. someone to talk to when you just feel like talking.
someone to be close with, some one that is there. but now it seems in this day and age all girls see are the guys that only cheat on them, treat them badly, and who am i. im the guy thatthey tell this stuff to. the guy that has to comfort her when he leaves her for that big breasted girl who gives it up easy. and then when hes tired and wants to come back to her she welcomes him back with open arms. not even a single doubt. they tell you that they dont want anything to do with that person, and then you see them the next day making out.

hmm.

well yes that is besides the point. i assume i will ask her tomorrow. i mean its one person in what, a bazillion. i assume it will be one of the nost awkward nonents in my life. one where all my insecurities will be vulnerable. her answer will probably manipulate how the day goes.
oh well i guess well see.